the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
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Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
me irl