I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
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40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.