When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
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Me, reading some of your tweets
#oldknees
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
I told my vodka about you.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
when the buffet is more honest than your date
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.