My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
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*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Don’t snitch tag.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?