Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
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“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.