Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
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Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
just left a huge legacy in there
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?