[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
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All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Just this preview of the story is enough
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.