I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
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Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”