Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
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My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.