A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
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BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Not all heroes wear capes.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”