KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
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Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Some people were born into their job.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.