yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
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Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking