Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
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The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
one last job
A friend sent me this.
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.