*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
You Might Also Like
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Not😆🤣
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat