black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
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Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest