I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
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Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.