I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
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It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this