My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
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My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
PLEASE READ
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!