I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
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*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Lol
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
2022: I can fix it
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!