Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
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[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
ugh not again
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
If you need a laugh.. 😅
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.