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[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
2022: I can fix it
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible