we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
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Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.