16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
You Might Also Like
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”