I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
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Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
He-man has a Masters degree
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs