I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
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ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do