Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
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me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD