You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
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My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it