HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
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Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
this is uni
After 35, your body ages in dog years
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
My love language is hissing.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no