Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
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The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.