Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
You Might Also Like
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️