What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
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“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.