coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
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I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
That’s what I call a flat tire
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*