I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
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Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
I see a badly-tied bin liner.