therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
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Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
In case you needed to hear it:
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist