My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
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When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
subtitles are so good nowadays
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.