me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
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“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Can Happiness buy money?
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
Spa day..😅
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”