Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
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An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.