I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
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My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”