Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
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Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
😂💯
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.