I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
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*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.