I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
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my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.