Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
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being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked