thanksgiving should be called feaster
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Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Happy weekend !
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
I can fix him.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”