I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
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*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
Breaking news:
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”