I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
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Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?