Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
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“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.