Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
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British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
real
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist