My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
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The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.