I love the honesty
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hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
WTF
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )