Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
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Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.